Written by Jennie Younger and Christopher Shelley
Opposite to what my girlfriend says, I’m not a “maniac.” I simply take affordable precautions to maintain us secure in the course of the pandemic. For instance, I’ve all the time taken a multi-vitamin, however just lately I added separate Vitamin D and zinc tablets to spice up my immune system — affordable stuff like that.
I additionally eat seventeen fish oil caplets a day in order that if I do journey and my aircraft crashes within the ocean, the fish will suppose I’m half fish and I’ll have a combating likelihood at survival. I mainline Vitamin C thrice per day. All my veins are collapsed, and I’ve one thing known as “necrosis.” I don’t know what that’s, however it’s in all probability not as dangerous as COVID.
I take further precautions within the elevator in our house constructing (for all of us!) Within the elevator, I don’t contact something, not even the buttons. I wait till somebody from my ground requires the elevator. If somebody from the incorrect ground requires the elevator when the door opens I scream at them to not are available and I preserve ready. As soon as, it took me three hours to get to the second ground. If there may be even one different individual within the elevator earlier than I get on, I flip round, return to my house, and quarantine for fourteen days.
To fortify myself, I sleep twenty-two hours per day. In the course of the two hours that I’m awake, I breathe as little as doable. This has twice resulted in hypoxia, as soon as rising to the extent of neurological harm. I’m now brain-damaged, however I don’t have COVID (in all probability; I get examined each day, haven’t gotten right this moment’s outcomes but).
Simply to be further secure, I make my cats put on hunter-orange security vests so I’ll discover in the event that they attempt to get too near me, and out of an abundance of warning, I put an invisible electrical fence round every cat.
My cats are very indignant with me proper now. Generally they attempt to suffocate me whereas I’m sleeping, however they’ve been unable to breach the oxygen-delivery system I engineered to oxygenate myself whereas sleeping. There’s no proof that prophylactic oxygen prevents COVID, however there’s no proof that prophylactic oxygen doesn’t forestall COVID, both.
I make my girlfriend put on a headlamp so I’ll discover if she tries to get too near me. I don’t permit her to strategy me till I’ve scanned her brow with my new brow thermometer. Generally I scan her whereas she’s sleeping. Generally I squirt her with Purell whereas she’s sleeping. Generally she’s not sleeping.
I taped directional arrows all around the ground of our house to encourage one-way site visitors stream. The cats are doing fairly effectively with it, however my girlfriend wants extra observe. She’s particularly indignant about this measure, however not as indignant as she is about what the pandemic has completed to our intercourse life.
For instance, I put on a masks once I go down on her, however I did that earlier than COVID too, so unsure why it’s a difficulty. I additionally put on three condoms even after we’re not having intercourse (intercourse, generally, is difficult proper now as a result of I put in a plexiglass divider down the center of our mattress). Once we do handle it although, as an alternative of lube, I take advantage of Purell. To get within the temper, my girlfriend and I play “air footsie.” I put on Bootie Butlers over my footwear after we do that, simply in case. I additionally throw on a fourth condom.
More often than not my girlfriend and I simply do “air hugs.” The Purell is de facto only for me. Final week I needed to go to the ER as a result of I burned my penis with Purell, so I placed on my face masks and my penis masks to maintain me secure within the hospital. That was fairly scary. My cats hated the hospital.
I get bodily checkups at my physician’s workplace each different week, however I do tele-med calls with him each week to ensure he didn’t overlook to inform me something. He has prescribed me many medication over time, and I preserve them in rigorously marked pillboxes. I make a ritual out of taking my drugs after I get up and it makes my cats and girlfriend very nervous as a result of I play voodoo music and chant. I bless every capsule earlier than I swallow it with bottled water that I boil and let cool in a single day. I visualize my drugs’ journey by my physique doing what they’re presupposed to do, whether or not that’s bolstering my immune system to guard me from COVID or protecting the enormous squid from leaping out of my creativeness and splashing water all around the lavatory. Then I watch the information. Then I schedule one other tele-med name with my Physician. Then I test on my girlfriend to see if she’s nonetheless my girlfriend.