The New 15 Phases of Grief: Pandemic Version

The New 15 Phases of Grief: Pandemic Version
Rob Rooney

Rob Rooney

Picture by visuals on Unsplash

Stage One: Denial

That is the primary stage of grief, characterised by rocking backwards and forwards within the fetal place and repeating, ‘This isn’t taking place.’ Nevertheless, it is taking place. It’s taking place big-time.

Stage Two: Puzzles

On this stage, you’ll undergo from the delusion that jigsaw puzzles are enjoyable. It begins with simpler puzzles (lower than 500 items, collages with a lot of phrases on them), and slowly graduates to insanity-inducing single coloration gradient puzzles.

Stage Three: Marie Kondo

Opposite to in style opinion the third stage of grief, Marie Kondo, does NOT include eliminating family muddle. It’s an prolonged time period (normally a month) the place all one does is level to things and ask: Does this spark pleasure? The reply, invariably, is: ‘No’.

Stage 4: The Black Pit of 90 Day Fiancé

You wake to comprehend you blacked out days in the past. You are actually sure captive by 90 Day Fiancé. To not point out, 90 Day Fiancé: Earlier than the 90 Days, 90 Day Fiancé: The Different Manner, 90 Day Fiancé: Fortunately Ever After, 90 Day Fiancé: What Now? and sure, even 90 Day Fiancé: Pillow Speak. This stage lasts 90 days.

Stage 5: Anger (at 90 Day Fiancé)

You may’t imagine Darcey made the identical errors with Tom as she did with Jesse. YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO HAVE VALUE, DARCEY!

Stage Six: Bitter Bread Starter Dough

Stage Six begins with an 18-hour web seek for Dry Lively Yeast Packets and doesn’t finish till you publicly disgrace a widower for her pathetically primary ‘no-knead’ recipe on a Fb Group referred to as ‘Sheila’s Quarantine Baking Social gathering!’

Stage Seven: True Crime

Stage 7 begins with a 12 half podcast concerning the Zodiac Killer and doesn’t discover full completion till the topic watches a grainy YouTube model of the 1984 Made for TV film ‘Fatal Vision’, starring Gary Cole (normally sporting nothing however sweatpants).

Stage Eight: Cut price Searching (Previously, Bargaining)

Pre-quarantine, the ‘Bargaining’ section consisted of self-talk like,“Please God, I’ll do anything if you’ll just let my wife live.” However since THERE IS NO GOD, the brand new Stage eight consists of cut price searching on the e-commerce web site Alibaba.com. Every second misplaced to scrolling from off-brand Hatchimalz Syringe Toy Injection Liquid Tasty Fruit Taste Jam to mopeds that prices $28.65 is, in impact, our psyche’s determined try to to not really feel the ache of a world the place Donald Trump is President.

Stage 9: Paying for Porn

Probably the most baffling of all of the phases of grief. Social scientists have but to know why this occurs.

Stage Ten: Despair

This depressive stage feels as if it’ll final perpetually. It’s the acceptable response to an important loss, like lacking a haircut or being requested to not go to the native Scorching Matter on the mall. We withdraw from life, questioning, maybe, if there may be any level in happening in any respect? You discover a cashew in your bellybutton. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ You may have 5 extra phases to go.

Stage Eleven: Bone Broth

Weeks in the past if somebody had requested you to suck a bouillon dice, you’ll mock and shun them. However now, deep within the throes of Stage Eleven, you end up swigging urine-colored hen inventory and saying issues like, ‘It’s received well being advantages! Amino Acid! Collagen! Additionally, Paleo?”

Stage Twelve: Earwax elimination movies

Struggling to maintain one self from retching, but unable to show your head away from the display marks the principle indicator for Stage 12. Stage 12 is the slipperiest of all of the phases for it will probably result in a journey of Chiropractic Movies, Cyst popping movies, Surgical procedure movies, Tonsil stone movies, Ingrown Toenail Surgical procedure movies. Warning: If a beloved one discovers Neti-Pot movies, they may misplaced in Stage 12 perpetually, trapped in a hell of mucus waterfalls and snot.

Stage 13: The Karen-ing

Simply probably the most horrifying of all of the phases, The Karen-ing occurs when the topic recordsdata for divorce, takes the youngsters, turns into an anti-vaxxer/flat-earther, turns into a Group Beachbody Diamond Stage Coach, and takes to social media to put up shitty motivational phrases like “Live. Laugh. Love”.

Stage Fourteen: MLM Up-selling

The topic turns into engaged in aggressive gross sales strategies and approaches family and friends in an effort to have interaction them in his ‘sales-funnel.’ Slick with flop sweat, he gives reductions and incentives to everybody he encounters. The unusual factor? The ‘revolutionary new energy drink made from human stem cells’ is imaginary. All is meaningless.

Stage Fifteen: Acceptance

Acceptance is usually confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has occurred. This isn’t the case. As a substitute, the a part of you that cared about life has died. The numbness is liberating. You attain out to pals once more not caring in the event that they don’t textual content again. You may watch OANN and really feel nothing.

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