Seven Signs You May Literally Be Turning Into Your Father

Seven Signs You May Literally Be Turning Into Your Father
Matt Butner

Seriously, who are you?

Matt Butner

Photo by Evelin Tomić on Unsplash

We’ve all heard jokes about “turning into our parents.” It’s a humorous device we use to pay loving homage to the flaws and foibles of our mothers and fathers, even as we notice similar traits developing within ourselves. But that’s not exactly what’s happening to you, is it? No, what’s happening to you is way more fucked up. Are you actually, literally becoming your father, Jerry Lawrence Walker? That’s like, some Twilight Zone shit. Here are 7 signs you might be him already:

Whoa, that’s messed up! I don’t know, man, it seems like you might be your father. But hey, weird things happen, right? I wouldn’t be too freaked out just yet. It’s not possible to literally turn into one of your parents.

Look, it’s not weird to have dinner with your Mom. You took her to the place where she and your Dad first met (Applebee’s), which was a sweet gesture. But sleeping with her? That was a little strange, don’t you think? We may have a Freaky Friday situation on our hands here.

OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. It doesn’t even make sense! You are not your father! Or are you? Get a grip, goddammit. Wait a second, when did you get a “home phone?” Nobody has those anymore. Nobody, that is, except people like your father.

Or did he? Maybe you didn’t show up. You went ahead and made the trip anyway, but who were you? Come to think of it, did you even call your dad to find out why he didn’t show up? Wouldn’t that be something “you” would do? And why didn’t he call you? It’s almost as if you’re the same person! Jesus Christ, maybe you should sit down and breathe into a paper bag.

At first you thought they were just making fun of you for getting older, but shouldn’t that joke be getting worn out after several years of their only addressing you as “Dad?” I mean, that would be an awfully big commitment to a joke, and your brother and sister aren’t even that funny. And they’re not just calling you that; they’re having entire conversations with you as if you were, in fact, Dad. Who does that? Mind-bendingly horrifying though it may be, you’re going to have to accept the possibility that you might be your Dad, which would mean you’re their Dad too. Fuck.

Jerry — that’s your Dad’s name! Why would these strangers be calling you that if you weren’t actually him? Why did you go to Home Depot in the first place? Do you even know your real name? The unmistakable, spine-chilling grip of infinite icy terror is tightening around your entire consciousness, isn’t it? I’d say the transformation from you into your father is pretty much complete!

Ha! That’s such a Jerry Walker thing to do, which is not all that surprising since you are literally, legally, in every conceivable sense, him now. A fisherman and a tinkerer with two children. Your identity has been subsumed by his, and you must live out your days as the man you once knew as your Dad. Now go get ready for dinner. You and your Mom, who is your wife of 38 years, are headed to Outback Steakhouse with the kids tonight.

Yikes!

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