Seriously, who are you?
We’ve all heard jokes about “turning into our parents.” It’s a humorous device we use to pay loving homage to the flaws and foibles of our mothers and fathers, even as we notice similar traits developing within ourselves. But that’s not exactly what’s happening to you, is it? No, what’s happening to you is way more fucked up. Are you actually, literally becoming your father, Jerry Lawrence Walker? That’s like, some Twilight Zone shit. Here are 7 signs you might be him already:
1. You spent 15 minutes staring at a framed photo of your father before realizing it was a mirror.
Whoa, that’s messed up! I don’t know, man, it seems like you might be your father. But hey, weird things happen, right? I wouldn’t be too freaked out just yet. It’s not possible to literally turn into one of your parents.
2. You went on a lovely, romantic date with your mother last night and it wasn’t even weird.
Look, it’s not weird to have dinner with your Mom. You took her to the place where she and your Dad first met (Applebee’s), which was a sweet gesture. But sleeping with her? That was a little strange, don’t you think? We may have a Freaky Friday situation on our hands here.
3. You called your Dad’s cell phone from your home phone and your cell phone rang.
OK, now this is just getting ridiculous. It doesn’t even make sense! You are not your father! Or are you? Get a grip, goddammit. Wait a second, when did you get a “home phone?” Nobody has those anymore. Nobody, that is, except people like your father.
4. Your Dad never showed up for your fishing trip last weekend.
Or did he? Maybe you didn’t show up. You went ahead and made the trip anyway, but who were you? Come to think of it, did you even call your dad to find out why he didn’t show up? Wouldn’t that be something “you” would do? And why didn’t he call you? It’s almost as if you’re the same person! Jesus Christ, maybe you should sit down and breathe into a paper bag.
5. Your brother and sister keep calling you “Dad.”
At first you thought they were just making fun of you for getting older, but shouldn’t that joke be getting worn out after several years of their only addressing you as “Dad?” I mean, that would be an awfully big commitment to a joke, and your brother and sister aren’t even that funny. And they’re not just calling you that; they’re having entire conversations with you as if you were, in fact, Dad. Who does that? Mind-bendingly horrifying though it may be, you’re going to have to accept the possibility that you might be your Dad, which would mean you’re their Dad too. Fuck.
6. You wander around Home Depot for hours not buying anything, and several employees say, “Hey, Jerry! Good to see you again. How are the kids?”
Jerry — that’s your Dad’s name! Why would these strangers be calling you that if you weren’t actually him? Why did you go to Home Depot in the first place? Do you even know your real name? The unmistakable, spine-chilling grip of infinite icy terror is tightening around your entire consciousness, isn’t it? I’d say the transformation from you into your father is pretty much complete!
7. You complain loudly for 15 minutes about not being able to find the TV remote, and it turns out you’re sitting on it.
Ha! That’s such a Jerry Walker thing to do, which is not all that surprising since you are literally, legally, in every conceivable sense, him now. A fisherman and a tinkerer with two children. Your identity has been subsumed by his, and you must live out your days as the man you once knew as your Dad. Now go get ready for dinner. You and your Mom, who is your wife of 38 years, are headed to Outback Steakhouse with the kids tonight.
Yikes!