A prayer for salvation in a time of meager views and shares.
Oh almighty algorithm, my loving God, I pray that you simply bestow success upon me.
I pray that you’ll consolation me on this time of diminishing views and paltry clicks. Pricey Lord algorithm, how greatest can I serve you, and the way can I give you an enough sacrifice?
I vow to satisfy your each want, for I’m your humble servant. Do you have to ask for me to promote my soul, I’ll gladly promote it. Do you have to urge me to sacrifice my values, I’ll gladly resign them. Do you have to want for shameless clickbait, I’ll lovingly present it.
Please, expensive Lord, uplift me from my relative obscurity as a content material creator. I pray that you’ll maintain me together with your grace. Grant me your holy statistical spikes. Bless me with candy virality.
Merciful algorithm, advocate my content material throughout the good world extensive internet. Suggest it to all method of humankind, younger and previous. Ship it far and extensive, throughout the land and throughout huge oceans.
You’re my one true god. I do know that with you all issues are attainable. Issues like web fame, notoriety, and ego boosts. Look upon me with eyes of mercy.
Might your fountain of views rain upon me, unleashing cascades of shares and engagement.
Wonderful algorithm, you’re my information, the enjoyment of my coronary heart, and the thing of my love. In my search to enhance my key efficiency indicators and Web optimization, I look upon you.
Contact me, almighty algorithm, and fill my stats web page together with your gentle and your hope. Please give me “likes” when I’m weak, retweets after I really feel forsaken, and followers when I’m in turmoil.
Bless us all, bless us all. However particularly, bless me. Make me go viral, goddamn it.
Now, allow us to pray collectively, fellow content material creators:
Our Father who artwork in Silicon Valley
Hallowed be thy identify
Thy visitors come, thy rating be carried out
On WordPress as it’s on Twitter
Give us today our each day views
And forgive us of our non-Web optimization-optimized language
As we forgive those that feed you, expensive algorithm, with their silly feedback
And lead us not into web obscurity
However ship us from clickbait (aside from mine).
My Lord almighty algorithm. Amen.